Hey You–Stop Micromanaging: How Letting Go Builds Stronger Teams . . . and Families
“Mom, I got it.”
Those four words punched me in the gut and stopped me in my tracks one evening as my 12-year old daughter prepared for her theater tryouts. She was auditioning for three different parts, and I, in full-on micromanaging mode, was trying to help her highlight her lines—literally. I wanted her to color-code each part, thinking it would help her remember them more easily. She was squeezing the highlighter over her script when I noticed the color wasn’t bright enough. How was she supposed to see her lines under that dull streak?
Instinctively, I jumped up, ready to replace it with a better one. I needed it to be perfectly bright, so she wouldn’t miss a single line. As I reached to swap out the so-called “crappy” highlighter, she pulled away, clearly frustrated, and without missing a beat, declared, “Mom, I got it.”
Her words hit me harder than I expected. I froze, the mom-approved highlighter still in my hand. It wasn’t just the tweenager sass (though that’s very real right now); it was a sharp reminder that sometimes, even with the best of intentions, I need to let go.
Just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should.
Side note: I have raised a strong, assertive future woman who knows her boundaries and speaks up when someone crosses them. I was proud of her—even as I was the one she was shutting down.
This highlighter moment with my daughter got me thinking. Of course, there were many moments before this one where I’d overstepped as a mom, but how often had I done this at work? How often had I stepped in assuming I was being helpful, when in reality, I was robbing someone of the chance to figure things out their own way?
As my daughter inches toward thirteen, I’ve noticed she’s more independent than ever, yet I still catch myself babying her. It’s not just my kids—I see this tendency in my leadership style too. And if I’m honest, my micromanaging often has less to do with the person on the receiving end and more to do with me. I mean, of course you need a perfect highlighter! Except…who’s defining “perfect”? Me.
Recently, I’ve tried something different.
At home and at work, I’ve started telling both my kids and my team, “You got this.”
There’s a point where I have to trust that I’ve nurtured enough—that those I’ve held and helped have the tools they need to thrive.
Was this shift easy? Nope. Was it necessary? Absolutely.
The truth is, I’ve been conditioned to nurture others and to take care of everyone else, often at my own expense. And while there’s beauty in that, I’ve also learned there’s danger. Over-nurturing can stifle growth—both for myself and for the person I think I’m helping.
In fact, it can inhibit others from discovering their own capabilities—just like I almost did with my 12-year old and her highlighter.
In my book The Beautiful Mess, I explore the delicate balance between supporting and stepping back, and I’ve found that the greatest growth often comes when we allow those around us to figure things out on their own. Whether it’s with my kids or my team, I now ask myself: Where am I robbing them of the opportunity to grow? It’s a tough question, but it forces me to reflect on how I show up as both a leader and a parent.
As my daughter auditioned for her parts, I realized she didn’t need me to color-code her script or hand her a brighter highlighter. She needed me to trust that she had it under control. And the more I reflect on that moment, the more I realize how much this lesson applies to leadership as well. We spend so much time worrying about whether everything is okay or handled that we forget the importance of letting go.
But there’s another side to this: nurturing ourselves.
When was the last time you nurtured your dreams with the same drive you pour into your family, your team, or your career?
I’ve started asking myself, What’s my summer camp? What’s my version of a study abroad experience? What lights me up and allows me to grow?
Imagine treating our personal goals like how we treat others.
As I just return from a fabulous October leadership event that I’ll share more about in my next article, I have been considering these questions. How can we, as leaders and as parents, strike that balance between nurturing others and nurturing ourselves?
I don’t have all the answers yet, but I do know this: Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is step back and let others—and ourselves—figure it out.
Yes, you got this.
